Christmas was amazing and crazy. Not bad really… but things happened that on the surface seemed insignificant. Little light bulbs have gone off here and there, however….

See, my mom apparently holds more influence over me than I thought. It seemed like she wasn’t asking much, each time, but it threw me for a loop- and I was right back where I had been all of my childhood- 3 steps behind and no clue what was going on. My mom is just used to getting her way. All the time. We HAD to put all of the ornaments on the tree. All of them. Ooookayfine. No big deal. We HAD to cook three meals. It’s so hard to talk about this- I keep saying to myself- ‘gg why didn’t you just say, STOP.’ Well…. I’m used to doing what my mom wants. Whatever that may be. Even if it ruins the dish I was preparing (had to do it her way) takes the whole day (clean while running a fever? sure, if that’s what mom wants) leaves me in killer pain (who DOESN’t want to do a 4 hour marathon of clean the kitchen, cook the meal, set the table, serve the meal, clear the table right away, clean the kitchen?) and results in me having a meltdown.

I ended up embarrassed and crying, tired beyond words, and being mean to Maximus. Why? Great question.

Like Claire- I don’t hate this woman- this Mother. She is boundaryless- to be sure. She isn’t intentionally rude. She just quietly taxes everyone to the limit. I wanted to hate her when I was a child. After all, I didn’t start out as a 33 year old woman, mother, wife of 11 years, obeying my mother unquestionably about things I already know how to do and do better. No, I started out as a tiny person. Every time I asked by actions and later, by words, ‘can I do this?’ or ‘do I know this?’ she responded in a way that said ‘No!’

Ever see ‘Tangled’? You know what’s scary about that movie? The Mother Graendal’s song (ok- so I know it’s not Graendal- but it might as well be- she’s that evil.) is real. No? you say? Hyperbole, you say? No. vehemently no. the reason the evil witch mother talks like she does, and sings what she does is because plenty of people have had mothers like mine was. Manipulative. Demeaning. Demanding. Intrusive.

Mom had lots of little verbal tricks like the mother in the movie does. “Oh look! It’s a hat that says ‘space cadet’! We should get that for you, GG, you’re always lost in space! …. Oh what are you upset about! It was only a joke! You’re always so hypersensitive!” That example is one of many. It’s hard to explain, if you don’t have a mother like that. She avoids those things, now. Maybe my boundaries with her are not as thick and dark as they should be, I don’t know… you see; I DOUBT myself with her. It is part of my nature, she built it in, always doubt yourself, greenegem, because Mother knows best.

I ignored my boundaries, though. But I honestly didn’t even realize I was ignoring them. I KNEW that if she cooked the chicken that hot it would be overcooked. ‘Oh, no- you don’t know how to use these pans!” she said. She turned it up. I didn’t fight her. (they WERE my grandmother’s pans… I’d only had them for a while, Mom had cooked on them for years…right? ) The chicken was terribly dry. The whole dish was… flavorless. I said so. But by that point there was no point I arguing. I knew I didn’t feel good- but see, when I was a kid and didn’t feel good I was complaining or being overly dramatic, or trying to get out of things. So I pushed myself, way beyond what I knew I could do. I cleaned the toy room. Because my mother was cleaning. I KNEW we couldn’t eat that much food. I knew I shouldn’t be eating bread, but we cooked it and I… ate it… (later- I’ll write about my mom and food. Oy vey) Everything we did while they were here- we had to do her way. Always phrased as a suggestions, subtle- but just as clearly said, ‘oh no, dear stupid girl, you do it THIS way!’ you mean to tell me you’ve been doing it this way all along?!!”

There is a reason Disney wrote the mother the way they did. She is all too real. Alive and well today. Mother knows best.

This is one more aspect of my reason for choosing to find a way to guide my children into reasonable and respectful and responsible behavior in a gentle way. One more reason to always try to remember that my children are tiny whole and legitimate people FIRST, and my children second; That they are souls who belong to the Father first, and my babies second. I do NOT know best- and I won’t pretend I do. Not even to require obedience in them now.

I will not pretend.

gg

Now the tax collectors and “sinners” were all gathering around to hear him. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, “This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.”

Then Jesus told them this parable: Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.”

It is well-known in Christian circles that before the shepherd placed the lamb on his shoulders, he broke its leg, so it could not run away again. By the time the leg has healed the lamb has learned to stay near the shepherd. This was common practice in Jesus’ day, and so is implied in this and other shepherding texts. Because the shepherd uses this cruel-to-be-kind tactic, we can expect that there will be times when Jesus, our Good Shepherd, will do the same to us. And we, as shepherds of our children, will need to use corporal punishment to teach them not to stray.

However, the whole ‘broken leg’ story is untrue. No one as found any historical evidence to support it. According to the sheep experts at Sheep 101,

There is no such story in the Bible. To do so would be cruel and impractical.

It is in essence a Christian urban legend. The earliest source appears to be a sermon of Brother William Marrion Branham, called ‘The Good Shepherd Of The Sheep’, delivered on Friday, 8th March 1957.

“I guess you’ve heard the story of the shepherd that broke his sheep’s leg one time. Many little stories has been told about it. And was asked this shepherd, “Did the sheep fall off of a mountain and do this?”
He said, “No.”
Said, “What happened?”
He said, “I broke its leg.”
Said, “Why did you break its leg? Are you a cruel shepherd?”
He said, “No, I love the sheep. But the sheep got to running away from me. And he kept straying out to itself. And I know the nature of sheep. And I know if they stray too far away, the wolf will get them. So I had to break the sheep’s leg to keep it with me, to draw it to my bosom, to give it a little special food. And I’ll be so kind to it, that when its leg gets well, it’ll never leave me any more.”

Brother Branham may have heard the story elsewhere or he may have made it up himself. Either way, there is no reason to believe the story is true.

Breaking a lamb’s leg is a dangerous and potentially fatal thing to do. If the sheep lives but ends up lame, it becomes a liability to the shepherd, slowing down the rest of the flock. He might as well just kill it and be done with it! The sheep are the shepherd’s livelihood, he will treat them with the same care you would expect a fine china dealer to show to his wares. Also, far from endearing the sheep to the shepherd, harming it may well have the opposite effect. Again, from Sheep 101:

It is known that animals can instantly recognize the voice of a familiar trusted person. Sheep have excellent memories for faces. They remember their handler. They also remember people who inflict abuse upon them. (emphasis added)

But, even if a shepherd did try this tactic once in desperation, or even if it were common amongst a group of shepherds, that would not mean that we should follow their example. That would be like saying: ‘God calls himself our Father. Many fathers abandon their children, so I can expect God to abandon me, and I should do the same to my own kids.’ Yes, God gives us these metaphors to help us understand him better, but we cannot take the metaphors beyond what the Bible actually says. Instead of painting God in human terms, we need to ‘be holy as he is holy.’

So what does the Bible actually say about sheep and shepherds?

Save your people and bless your inheritance; be their shepherd and carry them forever. Ps 28:9

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteouness for is name’s sake… I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. Ps 23:1-4
He tends his flock like a shepherd; he gathers the lambs in is arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Is 40:11

I will search for the lost and bring back the strays. I will bind up the injured and strengthen the weak, but the sleek and the strong I will destroy. I will shepherd the flock with justice. Ez 34:16

Shepherd your people with your staff, the flock of your inheritance, which lives by itself in a forest, in fertile pasturelands. Let them feed in Bashan and Gilead as in days long ago. Mic 7:14

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep… I know my sheep and my sheep know me – just as the Father knows me and I know the Father. Jn 10:11,14-15

May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. Heb 13:20-21

For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Rev 7:17

Perhaps the worst thing about the ‘broken leg’ story is the twisted image it gives us of God. The parable of the Lost Sheep, which a quoted in the beginning, is about God’s unconditional love and forgiveness, told in response to the mutterings of the Pharisees. Somehow it becomes a story about punishment. How sad. As the above passages show, God’s shepherding is about a peaceful relationship of love and trust, based on his gentleness. Let us seek to shepherd our children gently and wisely, as our Father leads and guides us.

The Rod Verses: Taking the rod verses literally

The Rod Verses: Taking other Proverbs literally

The Rod Verses: What are they really saying?

How people, who should know better, who where raised in serious christian families, try to construct their life into being a victim of their ‘bad’ or ‘afouled’ parents and their ‘bad’ view on the bible.

My sister once said of people who don’t spank, “Do they hate their parents or something?”

I guess our discipline choices go to the heart of what parenting is, so maybe it’s not so surprising that when people realise we are doing things differently they assume we had an especially brutal  childhood. Or maybe we’re just rebellious and want to do everything different from our parents.

It would probably surprise some readers to know that I would have been defined a ‘compliant’ child. And I had, for the most part, a great childhood. My parents were not overly strict. I rarely ‘needed’ a spanking, never felt that I had been abused, never went through a rebellious teenage stage, never seriously questioned my faith. Why, then would I want to do things differently?

I want to start with a couple of analogies. Firstly, think of that great American ideal, the man who worked his way up to the top, with the aim of giving his children everything he had grown up without. Does his desire to give his children a better life reflect a hatred or contempt for his parents? Probably not. He probably owes much of what he has become to the  lessons he learned from his parents. Would it be honouring his parents to deliberately withhold good things from his children because he didn’t have them when he was young (I’m assuming the things/opportunities in question really are ‘good things’, not just ‘stuff’)? Well, I don’t think so, anyway.

Another example would be our plans for our children’s education. My husband and I were both schooled in the Tasmanian public school system and we both survived. But we intend to home educate our children. Not for especially religious reasons, or because we think the Tasmanian public school system is especially bad, but because we think the entire school-based education system is fundamentally flawed. Does that mean we think our parents made the wrong choice to send us into that system? No, we believe they were doing their best in their circumstances. In fact, I don’t judge anyone who chooses to use the school system. But, having researched and concluded that we can prepare our children for life better ourselves, we have made the decision that we believe is best for our family. It would not honour our parents or teachers to reject the conclusions our brains have reached.

Discipline issues are the same. I actually think our confidence to take a different road is evidence of what a great job our parents did in raising us. They managed to instill their faith without destroying our independence of thought. They taught us to respect authority but not to blindly follow it. I just happen to believe that this was *in spite of* their punitive discipline choices, not because of them. In the end, we should not look to people, even our parents, as the ultimate source of wisdom, but to God and His Word. And I believe parenting my children with grace is most in line with God’s character and Biblical principles.

And I don’t expect my own children to do everything the same way I did, either. I hope they will one day do a much better job of raising my grandchildren than I’m doing now with them .

 I have to laugh when people ask me for advice on parenting. I mean- some are my friends- so maybe they just love me and don’t see my failures because of that- but some people aren’t reallyreally close to me and ask advice anyway.

I’m flattered- really. But so much of my parenting success is accidental!!! Maximus gets stuck. He gets stuck a LOT. Totally and completely fixated on something that is NEVER going to happen the way he wants it to, or cannot happen right NOW, even though he firmly believes it MUST. Knowing that 5′s are still working on the whole fantasy/reality separation helps a little. But I’m also dealing with a little boy who is developmentally Atypical- so he’s doing the 3 year old ‘words as magic’ phase AND the 5 year old ‘everything I perceive or imagine is real-but I can decide real things should be different and they are’ phase… at the same time. (gah!!) This is a typical trait of Autistic kids- the stuck-ness, I mean- but it’s gotten much more intense lately. :\

 One day, we had a change of plans- involving Dear Husband needing to take the car into work instead of his bicycle. We’re a one car family-and that’s a VERY long story- and some days Momma and the kiddos have the vehicle and some days, Daddy does. On this particular day WE were supposed to have the vehicle. We were supposed to go to the library. Very often we walk to the library. It’s about 6 ‘blocks’ but it’s a pleasant walk and we take our time. This is also an EXCELLENT way to get Maximus grounded (ok, AND a little tired) and makes for a better library experience. Normally this would have been no problem EXCEPT for the fact that it was raining. L

 Maximus could NOT be made to understand why we were not walking to the library in the drenching rain. Sigh… “Mommy, WHEN are we going to the library?” J {Crap! I was hoping he’d forgotten :} “Baby we are not going to the library today. We can do xyz instead.” There followed a LONG interlude whilst Maximus pondered the implications of what he’d just heard. ……………………………………………………….

“But Mommy, we NEED to go to the Library!!” “Max honey it is raining horribly and Daddy needed the car for work.” “But Mommy, PLEASE!!! We HAVE to go!!!” “Max, we are not walking to the library in 40 degrees and rain.” {The tears started- no, on Max’s end, silly!} Endless variations on the above themes followed.

 ”Mooooooommmmyyyyyy!!!!! We NEEEEEEED to GOOO!!!!! We need to call Daddy on his cell phone and he will come home and give us the car back!!” {reason #562 children should not know about cell phones} “No- daddy’s not allowed to have his phone ring at work- he turns it off.” {score one for Momma, right?} “WE just have to go get the caaaarrrr!!!!” {ok- that would be no} Finally, I had an idea (took me long enough, too). “Hmmmm, well how would we go get the car? Maybe we can take the zebra? Shall we ride the Zebra to Daddy’s work and get the car?” J

 “WE don’t HAVE a Zebra!!!!!” “We don’t?” “No! We don’t have a zebra, Mommy, you KNOW that!!” “Oh dear! Well…. Hrm…….” (Now I put on my very best matter-of-fact-this is the best idea ever voice) “I know!! I know what we can do!!!” Tears stopped momentarily… How was Mommy going to fix this? “We can take the Pterodactyl!!!”

 Stunned silence. Then- the barest crack of a smile. “Mommy!” (now Max is trying not to smile and is not quite done crying) “What??!!! Don’t you think it would be fun to ride our pterodactyl in the rain?” “We don’t have a Pterodactyl!!” “Oh.” “We have to go to K-Mart and BUYYYY one!!!!” By then the tears were ending and the giggles were starting. Success.

What I want to know is- how can I claim something as a success when I was a. grasping at claws :p and b. only succeeded by accident? I really can’t, because it could just as likely have ended like the extended episode (we’re talking DAYS folks) wherein Maximus insisted that his stuffed cat needed to go to the chiropractor because he had ‘stepped on Meow and broke her spine’. There are many many many reasons why we could not visit the chiropractor this past week. No tactic was successful. I offered to help Max play chiropractor. I offered to take Meow along to therapy on Wednesday so Miss K could help her. I tried to playfully remind/convince Max that his stuffed kitty didn’t have a spine… all to no avail. His fixation had to run its course, and it did. Eventually. :}

 These are good examples of why we need a parenting toolbox chock full of tools. Nothing works for everything. Effectiveness of tried and true discipline techniques wear off. Life contains far too many variables for one person to claim he has the inside corner on child rearing! Sometimes- life gets ridiculous, and so must we! So for occasions such as these, it helps to remember that my OTHER car… Is a Pterodactyl. :p

gg

I know the look people are talking about. I’ve seen it too, and it can be infuriating. A cheeky grin, looking over at Mum or Dad to see if we’re watching – then a hand snakes out towards the forbidden camera or vase or power outlet. And we parents, seeing it so obvious that the child *knew* what they were doing was wrong, feel justified in punishing the child – with a slap on the hand, or a time out, or by yelling – whatever we think will make them feel bad for their crime. But is it really so obvious that the child was being naughty? You see, I’ve seen that exact same look under completely innocent circumstances.

I remember one day sitting on my back porch and looking over at my daughter, when that light came into her eyes. She hurtled across to throw herself in my lap for a hug. I realised ‘that look’ might possibly mean, “I’ve got a great idea! I’m going to have some fun with Mummy!” And I started to ask myself, how much empathy does she have, anyway? Babies are born with a rudimentary empathic ability – when one cries, others tend to chime in – but it takes years before they reach a point where they really understand that ‘Mummy or Daddy has feelings of her/his own, and things I do can contribute to those feelings’. Let alone the thought that ‘something fun I want to do will make Mummy or Daddy upset.’ At 2, my daughter just knows she can get a somewhat predictable response by doing a given thing.

Recently, I went to visit a doctor. As it turned out, the doc was massively delayed due to an emergency, and everyone in the waiting room ended up spending over an hour more than we’d planned. Fortunately, my kids were at home with their Daddy, but another woman had her small toddler there and he was understandably B-O-R-E-D. He invented a game, ‘get Mummy to follow me out the door into the hallway’. She got tired of it and stopped going after him. I was sitting in line-of-sight to the door and looked up just a he turned around, expecting to see Mummy in the doorway. I got the full force of his loving, happy gaze, and even though I knew it wasn’t meant for me, my heart still melted.

But I know, that same look, to a frazzled mother, would not communicate the same thing to her. It would look like the evil grin of a tormentor. I know, because I am often that mum. I catch myself, especially with my 4yo, who ‘should know better’: seeing his need for attention as annoyance, and his sincere smiles as smirks. I forget to just enjoy and play along when he wants interaction. This time when I am his favourite playmate will be all too fleeting.

Of course, that doesn’t mean we can’t protect the camera or vase or power outlet – by putting them out of reach, using redirection or distraction, and by taking plenty of opportunities to interact positively with our kids.

So next time you see ‘that look’ in your child’s eyse, ask yourself if there’s another way to explain it, and how you can turn that moment into an opportunity for connection, along with correction?

So DH found an awesome tricycle for Maximus, and it was a reasonable price, so he bought it. (… as we speak, he is sitting on top of Max on the couch, saying, ‘Where is Max? Where’d he go?’ and Max is squealing with laughter) Like most things that you buy online, or even through a catalogue, the package states, ‘Some assembly required’. This usually means ‘break out the Craftsman tools because all we sent you was hole-punched parts and little baggies of screws’.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that we didn’t actually purchase a tricycle- we had purchased the potential for a tricycle. All we had were the parts and the instructions. Well- technically we had the tools- if you count the chintzy pretend wrench that they included with the packaging… We needed tools, some technical aptitude, and some muscle power. In other words, turning that pile of parts into a tricycle depended entirely on US.

This is an idea that is widely understood. We are expected to supply whatever is needed for completion of the project; for the thing to become REAL, we need to do the work.

To my dismay, I had an inspiration today. (sounds strange, but bear with me) Most modern Christians treat Salvation as a mail-ordered, some-assembly-required, purchase. Many of us have been raised to believe that our forgiveness depends on what we DO. We are raised to believe that every little thing we can possibly screw up could jeopardize our redemption. We think “Sure, Jesus died, a sacrifice for all of our sins, but I have to also ACT like a Christian.” The trouble is that there is no one definitive list in the Bible that tells us how a modern day Christian should act. So a great many preachers, pastors, priests, rabbis and plain old Joes have created their own lists. I covered a little of how this happens in this post. This is Salvation- ‘some assembly required’ style.

The beginning is innocent. We CRAVE relationship with our Creator. We desire to be obedient to Him, because we love him. This is the purest of human love.

So while we cast around trying with every ounce of our human effort to become (on our own) what God wants us to be, we are particularly susceptible to false teaching. Who knows WHY some people create their own version of OT Law, and then try to recruit others to it? The reason is probably different for every person. Regardless, each one has preached their version of Law as the ONLY way to BE a Christian. Biblically there is only one way! It’s through Jesus. He is the Way, remember? Only him. Oh, I could quote scripture for you, all night long… but I’m not going to do that- mostly because I’d rather you went and read it yourself… So much on my heart here, to say to you… Every one of the men (I don’t know of women but I’m sure there are some) whose names I know who have put forward a formula, a recipe, a technique for ‘being christian’, have lost sight of Christ. They make Redemption and Christ’s blood LESS important because they put SO much emphasis on all the ways a Christian must act if he or she is to be considered a ‘true’ child of God.

I’ve got news for you!!! (and yes, I’m feeling angry about now) WE ARE ALL GOD’S CHILDREN!!! EVERY. Single. One. In Jesus’ parable of the prodigal son, He makes clear that the son who disobeyed and was living in obvious sin, was NO LESS his Father’s child (!!!!) than the son who had stayed home and done everything right, and pretended to be happy. If we have not yet accepted God’s gift of reconciliation, we are his children. If we once had, but have wandered away, we are still his! He MADE us. We are his. It is true that when we accept his Gift, when we confess our sins and accept forgiveness, we become heirs to His Kingdom- in that; we are His in a specific and special way. But the meanest sinner is His child, and he weeps no less over their pain than he does over ours.

Pearl likes to talk about submission and sweetness and the Dad being the absolute head over the entire family forever. Gothard likes to talk about everyone being in proper submission too, and preaches about an ‘umbrella of protection’ that these uber-godly people supposedly benefit from. Dobson loves to talk about how a parent must CONTROL his child, or he or she will never have control of herself, and worse will never accept Christ as Savior. Dr. Dobson goes so far as to claim that your child will never want to try drugs, or have premarital sex if you spank them consistently enough. Each of these men teaches that if we do not ascribe to their ‘truths’ we are less than Christian, less than obedient. They are wrong.

I said back there a bit that the only way of salvation is through Jesus. Why can we say this with confidence? What scriptural support can we find? When Jesus died on the cross, at the moment of his death, the curtain in the temple was ripped in two in such a way as to declare that no human effort could have accomplished it. OK, so what was so special about this curtain? For those of you who are not familiar, the curtain hung between the inner court where most worship took place, and the Holy of Holies. The Holy of Holies was THE place where the Presence of the Lord resided. You see at this point, God the Father was not yet ‘God WITH us’. That title was claimed by him at the moment of his birth. I don’t know if anyone REALLY understood that this Jesus was Messiah until the moment of his death. In fact, scripture tells us that even his closest friends did NOT understand. So for the Hebrews, God resided in the Holy of Holies, in the temple. Going through that curtain meant entering into the living presence of the Most High. Only the High Priest could enter and only on the Day of Atonement- and he had to prepare himself carefully. They understood this to be a dangerous endeavor- so much so that a rope was tied around the ankle of the High Priest… just in case he was not prepared properly and God chose to strike him dead.

Jesus’ death and the torn curtain sent a powerful message to the Hebrews. God’s presence was now freely accessible!!! Man did not have to fear his Creator’s presence any longer!! Jesus death paid any penalties we might ever incur. And WHILE it did this, it ALSO cleared the way for Him to be Emmanuel, the God who is among his people (my own spin on it), and it made it possible for every single one of us to be ‘his people’. It is by GRACE we are saved, through FAITH, and NOT by works. But all of these people who preach this message of ‘you must follow these rules, speak this way, wear these clothes, read this translation, punish your children in this exact way’ say that your works- what you DO is the key to being a child of God. They preach that it is ‘Grace, PLUS!!’ as Dr. Stephen Manley says it; in other words, grace plus works. Parts, PLUS muscle and a few tools… Salvation under our own power.

Salvation under our own power is Heresy.

We have a tremendous gift- the best one anyone could get. God our Father was brokenhearted over our separation from Him. He sent his son- part of himself – to be a human and die sinless. HE did it people!!! Not US! All we can do is BELIEVE. All we can do is reach out and claim the gift HE made, that HE gave. Salvation comes to us by Grace… No Assembly Required.

gg

So the LAST thing I ever wanted to do was end up back in the emergency room, but do so I did… When I wrote the last post I was having some mild pain, but it just got worse. By Tuesday I was running a fever, and knew I needed to go in. Max and Minim knew something was wrong. When Max asked where I was going (another friend took me) I told him I was going to go back to the doctor because I was feeling sick again. I was torn between not wanting him to worry unduly and wanting him to know that Momma will ALWAYS tell him the Truth. I told him the truth- that I HAD to go back to the doctor. I told him not to worry, that God would take good care of Momma.

It’s tough to know that God CAN always heal but sometimes chooses to heal by taking us Home. I know with my adult mind that this is always a possibility, that someday I may not BE there for DH, Max, and Minim; and I can trust with my heart that His will for me is always best… but Max and Minim? My Dear Husband? I cannot know their hearts… only their heavenly Father can know that. God chose to use the Doctors to heal me. I do consider it miraculous, what the surgeons found though….

SO I lay there the second trip through, doing word searches, courtesy of my friend. J I wasn’t in as much pain, and my fever wasn’t as high as the last time… I thought things might be simple… (hunh-uh! Nope nope nope) They told me a few things… namely that my infection was a) not gone (duh) b) worse, and c) I required surgery and I might lose both fallopian tubes and ovaries. Shock does not begin to describe it. The whole time, I was thinking, ‘No, I can’t do this, I need to be home, I need to be calling therapists, I need to be taking care of paperwork, I need… I need… I need…’ (I have long felt that I attract chaos, and this set of events seemed to be no different.) How were my kids going to handle this??!! I had told them Momma was home, Momma was better! I was all done being sick! Now I had betrayed them, I had lied to them, and worse… I would be GONE again. My stay was longer this time, a full week.

Sometimes God takes life out of our hands completely… so far out of our control that we MUST rest in Him… because HE is all there is left.

It WAS harder on the kids this time. It was two days before they could even visit, and I had had surgery, so I couldn’t hold them, couldn’t tolerate them pushing the buttons that moved the beds up and down. The next opportunity to visit, Maximus flipped out in the car. He unbuckled himself, and began throwing things around in the car, and trying to reach over DH and was interfering with his driving. He did NOT want to go visit me.  :,(  My husband called me, and explained. I told him to tell Max that I loved him very much and if he could not visit me today, it was ok. MY husband told me later that He pulled the car over to calm Max down and buckle him back in, and remove anything from his reach, and to tell him what I had said.

Max clung to his Daddy and cried.

Wednesday morning, as I had been waiting for surgery, I had done much the same thing. I am awed forever at the might of our Creator God. As I cried out to him, pouring out all the impossibles, and why me’s and how am I supposed to’s, he let me cling to him. All I could do was hold on to my Heavenly Father and cry. He is BIG enough. He is enough for Me.

So many people were praying for me. I am sure that people I didn’t even know were praying for me. When surgery time came, my Pastor’s wife had come, and would wait for me in recovery. I knew there was a chance I would come out of surgery minus several organs, but my heart was still. When they looked inside me, they found the infection they expected, but the organs they expected to need to remove were healthy and pink!! I claim that as a miracle.

MY recovery so far has been entirely uneventful. God showed me how He can carry me through any situation. How I need him now, because for some reason Maximus’ diagnosis has hit me like a ton of bricks since I got home. Perhaps it was the daunting prospect of caring for a boy who regularly requires the strength of not only my will to get him through the day, but also the strength of my body. I had no strength. I did ask my friend S- who took me to the E.R. the first time- to think of anyone in the community who might be available as a mother’s helper for a few weeks, and she came through with 3 numbers. I have a mother’s helper, and she has been immensely helpful for me.

It’s hard for me to admit I might need help raising Maximus.

He has issues I cannot help him through… and these issues are not ‘disciplinary’ issues, even though his behavior shines lights on what the issues might be. No amount of rod, or will conquering, or time outs or anything else; will break him of the fact that he hears all noises all the time and cannot filter them out. This is why I believe control of any sort is a myth. And I do wonder what would have happened in Max’s head if we had continued to spank him. He’s high functioning now… I digress… And this is where I get stuck. I know which situations I have not been able to parent him through. Where do I go from here? How do I disciple him through situations where the cards are stacked so heavily against him? How do I know what I can realistically expect him to be ABLE to do?

THIS is why I say DISCIPLE instead of using the word discipline as a euphemism for punishment. Discipling is all about teaching each child to be the best creation he can be, teaching him how to respect others. How can he do that if he cannot SEE other’s emotions? Ah, to backtrack just a bit- Max had his follow-up appointment this week, and I got a copy of the evaluation to take home. ‘Significant social impairment’. So how is all this connected to the hospital stay? Nothing except its my life… and God is teaching me to rely on him. I don’t have much control over how my kids turn out, not really, not in the grand scheme of things. So I choose to take the role of Guide instead of Centurion, I choose Grace over Law. I want my kids to rely on God, not me, on relationship and obedience to God’s law out of love for him, not out of fear of me, or him.

So I rely on the only Stable place in the whole Universe, my God. My character remains stable, I remain who I am no matter what the circumstances. I AM the weeping woman on the hospital bed, as much as I am the fierce protector of my sons, and the passionate lover of my husband, and the driven student of the Word. These things do not conflict. I love the group Casting Crowns. Their song ‘Who Am I’ provided much comfort for me, reminding me that it is because of God’s amazing love for me that I HAVE a self, that I have value as a human being. My love for Max isn’t dependant on how well he can follow my rules. It exists because he exists. When he asks himself who he is, he will find a partial answer in the fact that he is my son. When I ask myself who I am, and why God would care about me, or my pain, why it is worth praying, I find my answer in Him. Who am I? I am His.

gg

read part one here

If there is only one thing I can depend upon in life, it is that there is no way to predict with any accuracy what the next day, or even the next hour will bring. This was no different. One moment I am speaking with my sister- recovering from what I thought was a stomach bug or other similar, mostly harmless ailment- and the next moment I realize I am running a fever. A minute after that I started to feel confused… My speech slowed down, my words coming only with serious effort. I was scared.

For four nights, I was in the hospital. God provided caring people to take care of our kids. My husband brought the kids to see me each day. <3 For some reason everyone did great. My hubby did a fantastic job being Parent on Duty. He arranged care for the kids, went to work, and came home to make them dinner and put them to bed. I wish I could attribute this to my mad parenting skills, but to tell the unvarnished truth, I am one frustrated parent right now.

I am watching my younger son Minimus surpass my older son in almost every way. Minimus hears things I tell him. He complies easily (well compared to Max he does) he remembers rules and guidelines. He gets ‘stuck’ toddler style, but only about half as often and probably less, than Max did. Maximus gets stuck often, even now. Toddler style things; wrong cup, wrong person opened the bottle, food cut into squares instead of strips, choosing the ‘wrong’ underwear for the day. For a long time I had felt we were making progress, but lately…. Everything is going downhill again, but only for Maximus. L

As Minimus started really talking last year, I realized just how far behind Maximus had been… and for how long. Huge Momma-guilt attack. How long was I in denial? I don’t know.

The difference between Maximus and Minimus is this- Minimus accepts instruction. I don’t mean every single time of course. I still have to deal with shrieks and no’s and thrown toys. The difference is more subtle than that. I can’t define it, but it is there. The worst part is- Maximus SEES his little brother being more successful than he is. My friend who watched the boys one of my hospital days told me that Max played off to the side, by himself, while Minimus played games and shared toys with her two children. She brought the kids over this week so they could play and we could catch up, and I watched the same thing happen. And, as is usually the case, when they left Maximus had a full scale meltdown.

“Mommy! I had such a bad day! (Really he had done quite well) Why am I always such a bad boy??!! (I have never ONCE told him anything of the sort!) Why is it always so hard?! Why do I always have such a bad day??!!” He was sobbing, clinging to me. I wanted to cry along with him. I didn’t have any answers.

Max KNOWS. He knows that Minimus doesn’t get carried kicking and screaming from the room several times a day. He knows Minim doesn’t scream “No it isn’t!!” in response to 50% of what I say. He knows Minim doesn’t have to have his fingers pried off of dangerous things, or be physically stopped from hurting himself or others. He knows that Minim doesn’t need to hide under tables when the room gets noisy. He knows that Minim doesn’t have to fight himself not to run away at the slightest stress. He KNOWS. He is different.

It is hard to see correction and instruction bear fruit in Minimus after two or three events… and see it continue to have only partial success with Max. It is hard to continue to see him as he is. I find myself thinking, ‘He OUGHT to…’ and ‘He shouldn’t do that…’ and I feel very, very angry. Nothing like a little wasted effort to make me feel like a bomb about to go off. My praying has mostly been crying out to God, saying, ‘I don’t know how to do this!!’

Maximus had an evaluation with a pediatric psychiatrist a few weeks ago. At the end of the eval, they told me, “We feel it is Autism. We’ll send you the full report in the mail. In the meantime, please have him evaluated for Sensory Processing Disorder, and here’s a prescription for a One-on-one support person. We recommend he NOT go to kindergarten this year.”

I am still waiting for that evaluation report to arrive.

gg

part 2