Or, Greenegem Revisits the E.R.
So the LAST thing I ever wanted to do was end up back in the emergency room, but do so I did… When I wrote the last post I was having some mild pain, but it just got worse. By Tuesday I was running a fever, and knew I needed to go in. Max and Minim knew something was wrong. When Max asked where I was going (another friend took me) I told him I was going to go back to the doctor because I was feeling sick again. I was torn between not wanting him to worry unduly and wanting him to know that Momma will ALWAYS tell him the Truth. I told him the truth- that I HAD to go back to the doctor. I told him not to worry, that God would take good care of Momma.
It’s tough to know that God CAN always heal but sometimes chooses to heal by taking us Home. I know with my adult mind that this is always a possibility, that someday I may not BE there for DH, Max, and Minim; and I can trust with my heart that His will for me is always best… but Max and Minim? My Dear Husband? I cannot know their hearts… only their heavenly Father can know that. God chose to use the Doctors to heal me. I do consider it miraculous, what the surgeons found though….
SO I lay there the second trip through, doing word searches, courtesy of my friend. J I wasn’t in as much pain, and my fever wasn’t as high as the last time… I thought things might be simple… (hunh-uh! Nope nope nope) They told me a few things… namely that my infection was a) not gone (duh) b) worse, and c) I required surgery and I might lose both fallopian tubes and ovaries. Shock does not begin to describe it. The whole time, I was thinking, ‘No, I can’t do this, I need to be home, I need to be calling therapists, I need to be taking care of paperwork, I need… I need… I need…’ (I have long felt that I attract chaos, and this set of events seemed to be no different.) How were my kids going to handle this??!! I had told them Momma was home, Momma was better! I was all done being sick! Now I had betrayed them, I had lied to them, and worse… I would be GONE again. My stay was longer this time, a full week.
Sometimes God takes life out of our hands completely… so far out of our control that we MUST rest in Him… because HE is all there is left.
It WAS harder on the kids this time. It was two days before they could even visit, and I had had surgery, so I couldn’t hold them, couldn’t tolerate them pushing the buttons that moved the beds up and down. The next opportunity to visit, Maximus flipped out in the car. He unbuckled himself, and began throwing things around in the car, and trying to reach over DH and was interfering with his driving. He did NOT want to go visit me. :,( My husband called me, and explained. I told him to tell Max that I loved him very much and if he could not visit me today, it was ok. MY husband told me later that He pulled the car over to calm Max down and buckle him back in, and remove anything from his reach, and to tell him what I had said.
Max clung to his Daddy and cried.
Wednesday morning, as I had been waiting for surgery, I had done much the same thing. I am awed forever at the might of our Creator God. As I cried out to him, pouring out all the impossibles, and why me’s and how am I supposed to’s, he let me cling to him. All I could do was hold on to my Heavenly Father and cry. He is BIG enough. He is enough for Me.
So many people were praying for me. I am sure that people I didn’t even know were praying for me. When surgery time came, my Pastor’s wife had come, and would wait for me in recovery. I knew there was a chance I would come out of surgery minus several organs, but my heart was still. When they looked inside me, they found the infection they expected, but the organs they expected to need to remove were healthy and pink!! I claim that as a miracle.
MY recovery so far has been entirely uneventful. God showed me how He can carry me through any situation. How I need him now, because for some reason Maximus’ diagnosis has hit me like a ton of bricks since I got home. Perhaps it was the daunting prospect of caring for a boy who regularly requires the strength of not only my will to get him through the day, but also the strength of my body. I had no strength. I did ask my friend S- who took me to the E.R. the first time- to think of anyone in the community who might be available as a mother’s helper for a few weeks, and she came through with 3 numbers. I have a mother’s helper, and she has been immensely helpful for me.
It’s hard for me to admit I might need help raising Maximus.
He has issues I cannot help him through… and these issues are not ‘disciplinary’ issues, even though his behavior shines lights on what the issues might be. No amount of rod, or will conquering, or time outs or anything else; will break him of the fact that he hears all noises all the time and cannot filter them out. This is why I believe control of any sort is a myth. And I do wonder what would have happened in Max’s head if we had continued to spank him. He’s high functioning now… I digress… And this is where I get stuck. I know which situations I have not been able to parent him through. Where do I go from here? How do I disciple him through situations where the cards are stacked so heavily against him? How do I know what I can realistically expect him to be ABLE to do?
THIS is why I say DISCIPLE instead of using the word discipline as a euphemism for punishment. Discipling is all about teaching each child to be the best creation he can be, teaching him how to respect others. How can he do that if he cannot SEE other’s emotions? Ah, to backtrack just a bit- Max had his follow-up appointment this week, and I got a copy of the evaluation to take home. ‘Significant social impairment’. So how is all this connected to the hospital stay? Nothing except its my life… and God is teaching me to rely on him. I don’t have much control over how my kids turn out, not really, not in the grand scheme of things. So I choose to take the role of Guide instead of Centurion, I choose Grace over Law. I want my kids to rely on God, not me, on relationship and obedience to God’s law out of love for him, not out of fear of me, or him.
So I rely on the only Stable place in the whole Universe, my God. My character remains stable, I remain who I am no matter what the circumstances. I AM the weeping woman on the hospital bed, as much as I am the fierce protector of my sons, and the passionate lover of my husband, and the driven student of the Word. These things do not conflict. I love the group Casting Crowns. Their song ‘Who Am I’ provided much comfort for me, reminding me that it is because of God’s amazing love for me that I HAVE a self, that I have value as a human being. My love for Max isn’t dependant on how well he can follow my rules. It exists because he exists. When he asks himself who he is, he will find a partial answer in the fact that he is my son. When I ask myself who I am, and why God would care about me, or my pain, why it is worth praying, I find my answer in Him. Who am I? I am His.