Sometimes life is weird and nothing seems real. I’ve gone down a major rabbit-hole in my world, and I’m somewhere deep inside wondering who I am. Yet… I know who I am more definitely now than I ever have. Everything I thought defined me has been stripped away. Not quite everything, I’m still Momma… the context has changed markedly.
“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes — and ships — and sealing wax —
Of cabbages — and kings —
And why the sea is boiling hot —
And whether pigs have wings.”
It’s time to talk about the change. I don’t want to- but I cannot avoid it if I want to keep blogging- which I do. How to put this…? There was an event, after which my husband was no longer part of our everyday household. SO. After years of near Solo parenting, I am now Single parenting- a distinction which was only recently clarified for me. That’s the rabbit-hole I spoke of. Suddenly things were down, when they should have been up. Everything lost its perspective. Things were big where they should be small, and there were gaping holes everywhere; holes you could lose yourself in.
I worship in a small church and I sing with the team for the song service. As I was singing the past few Sundays, a thought keeps popping up- “This is real. THIS is me, and I am real, singing for my Creator God. Even if nothing else seems real, THIS is real.”
In that- at least- I have an advantage over Alice.
The Matrix has a rabbit-hole scene in it as well; only in this one the theme is reversed, and when Neo goes down the digital rabbit-hole he is spit out into reality. He didn’t know he had been living in Wonderland. I have been working pretty hard to keep myself in my own personal Wonderland, a land where I was an honorable wife, beloved, and valued. We’ll just say that reality provided a harsher view. I am left, much like Neo and Alice, trying to make sense out of nonsense. Now trying to find rational; and again trying to fit myself to this new reality.
Through the last almost 8 weeks, I have felt every emotion I think it is possible to feel. I have felt safe, endangered; loved, hated; exalted, betrayed; worthy and worthless. I have felt I would burst with pride, and dissolve in shame. I have felt pity, and anger. I have felt I did many amazing things; I felt as if I did nothing useful. There is an enduring thread running through all of this mess. I am a human being, worthy of treatment as such. Living as an object, living in bondage of any kind, is intolerable. If a life continues in that vein, it reduces the person to something less than what God intended. My goal for my children, before they were named, was to treat them always as the people they are. To treat them as full people is my goal. Now, it is finally time to treat myself as a whole and real person.
Curiouser and curiouser…